Hello everyone. I realize that it’s been such a very long time that I’ve posted anything. I’m going to be completely honest, it has been a very difficult road this past year. I’ve made huge mistakes and I spiraled out of control because of them. It has been the hardest time of my adult life. I’ve cried a lot and been severely depressed most of the past year. I didn’t do that 5K that I was training so hard to do and in all honesty, I completely lost control of my life. I gained 10 pounds back of the weight I worked so hard to lose. Only those very few who are closest to me know anything about this year but I have decided to expose myself in hopes to let people know that in the end it doesn’t matter that you have fallen down. What truly matters is that you get back up.
I will start off by talking about how I lost the best job I ever had due to one of those the huge mistakes that I made. As if that mistake wasn’t bad enough, I had to start all over again trying to build a career. I left on good terms, no bridges burned but there was no way I could fulfil my obligations to this job at the time. I had to take a bunch of low paying, part time jobs just to survive. I worked multiple jobs at a time and had more jobs in one year than I had in my entire life. I realize, that a job is a job. I respect anyone that is working an honest job to survive, but I had lost everything that I worked so hard and so long to achieve.
I tried so hard to continue in my field but just kept getting knocked down, time and time again. Months and months of this. It was a slippery slope. I would be on such a “high” when I would try to advance and think things were going well. Then when I got knocked down, I would be on such a terrible low. I would go through periods of drinking. At first it was just to have a good time, and it was fun for a while. Then things got out of line. I’m not talking about “normal” drinking… I drank heavily and got wasted just to try and cope and forget. That would just make things worse. I was tired of trying. I isolated myself from my friends and my family, my support. They started to worry about me, it was that bad, which made me feel worse. I started to hate myself and it became harder and harder to pick myself back up. I spent a lot of the time when I wasn’t working in bed, miserable and self loathing. Self harm came back into my life. It had been years since I had done this. I guess I just felt like it was the only thing I could control in my life and I liked the pain, although always felt guilty and dumb the next day. Don’t worry friends and family, I realized that this behavior wasn’t good for me and have since quit doing this.
I met someone who I deeply love and care for, and for the past several months we have been helping each other. You see, we are both fragile creatures but we’ve been there for each other through all the ups and downs. I’m am inspired by him, thank you for everything you have done. I’m grateful to have you in my life. So with the help of him and friends and family, at the beginning of this year, I decided I didn’t want to be like this anymore. I was tired of hating myself and tired of hurting the people I cared about. I wanted to do something with my life and wanted to BE someone. So I started to take action again, with more determination and willpower. I heard about a new local coffee shop that was opening in January so I contacted them about putting artwork in their shop. My brother came down from Chicago for a show he was doing in Morehead and he helped me get my artwork into that coffee shop. I have framed photos, sheathed photos, photography greeting cards, and jewelry in there. I’ve recently contacted a few galleries to try and get an exhibit going for my birthday of my abstract photography (if anyone has any info on how to go about this it would be greatly appreciated). I got a new camera and have began taking photos again. I’ve been working on my etsy shop harder than ever. I also got a new job as a photography assistant. I’m not taking the photos but at least it’s in my field and have learned a lot from my boss. I’ve also been working hard on my other artwork, I am designing my next tattoo. I’ll post a pic when it’s done and I’ve got the ink tatted on my body. I have really started to believe in myself, my talent, and my potential again.
I’ve also tried to begin my healthy diet again. And when the weather is warmer I am going to start training for a 5k obstacle course challenge. I’m excited. It’s in July, so I have a few months to get ready. Any helpful tips on training are welcomed. I’ve began rebuilding my mental stability with therapy, which has been a huge help. Everyone needs help sometimes, there is NOTHING wrong with that.
The year 2014 was definitely a tough year for me. I learned a lot and came a long way. I gained friends. I lost friends. Thank you to those of you, friends and family alike, who have stuck it out with me through thick and thin. I love you! I made mistakes. I worked hard. Yeah it was a challenging year but would I change anything? Hell no, I wouldn’t have learned the valuable life lessons that I have learned and wouldn’t be the stronger person I am today.
And since I am going to post this link to my Facebook page, to all that were wondering throughout the year about my vague, depressing posts… now you know. I am scared shitless to the reaction I might get from this post but I really wanted people to know that you can come back from the darkness. it is a struggle and you have to take it day by day. hell, sometimes minute by minute but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I also feel that this post was therapeutic for me to write, I feel like a weight will be lifted off my shoulders as soon as hit the publish button. I’m sure there’s a little bit that I have forgotten to put in this post but you all have had enough word vomit for one day. Check back to see my progress, positive comments are welcome… Keep the negativity to yourself.
Here we go… 1…2…3… publish!